Monday 15 December 2014

Acceptance, again.

I've been struggling with a whole lot of things that I think have to do with acceptance. You know, it seems like I figure some things out and then later I come back and figure them out all over again. Same lesson, just deeper. I guess we all have that.

A number of years ago, I was taking an art class, and I got talking with an instructor who was visiting from the east coast, where I'm also from. She'd always been a good girl: Catholic school, art college on scholarship, career making and teaching art. She'd done everything right in her life. Eventually, she started to feel so shaped by the forces around her who defined what "everything right" looked like that she didn't have much sense of herself. I remember her telling me that it took her a long time to get over needing some sort of approval from the world for everything she did. Needing approval is not the best road to making great art. For a time she stopped presenting her art publicly, and she ended up developing a whole new practice, returning to working with clay--something she loved, but that isn't exactly high status in the art world. By the time I met her, she was making art and teaching and enjoying it all again, and it felt more real to her than it had. She said her turning point had been a conversation with her husband, who pointed out that she was still acting like the schoolgirl who really wanted the teachers to say what a grand girl she was.

Ouch. I feel like that these days. At the time, it didn't much apply to me at all. I'd been one of those high achieving kids, but as an adult I'd quit lots of things that people thought I was supposed to be doing. Even sitting by a kiln chatting with an art instructor, as I was doing that evening years ago, would have been considered a waste of time by many of the people I knew. I didn't care.

But being in school somehow brings a lot of that old approval stuff back again. I love reading and writing and researching. It's interesting and intellectually stimulating, and I feel lucky that I'm allowed to spend my time doing it. But whenever I submit a project to be graded, I feel like I'm waiting for a God I don't entirely believe in to reach out and pat me on the head and tell me I'm a good girl after all. There is no winning this game. A perfect grade means I have to live up to that next time or I'm not so good after all. (And anyway, maybe the professor was being kind, so it doesn't quite count.) Anything even slightly less than perfect has me replaying all the problems in my work.

I'm embarrassed to be writing about this. It doesn't feel like an adult issue. I thought I'd got past this years ago. I guess not. Now I think leaving the whole academic and career world as I did was more like a giant workaround. I thought I'd given all that worldly approval a big old, "Screw you!" and gone off to do my own thing. (It might not be surprising that "my thing" ended up involving a lot of wine every evening.) But it's one thing to keep away from the world of approval altogether, and quite another to be submerged in it and not completely shaped by it. Now that I'm a full time student, I am judged and graded all the time. Trying to be OK with that is tricky. It's pretty darn draining, oscillating out there on the end of some approval system that feels like it matters. And it's hard to talk about, because I don't expect much sympathy or understanding. Maybe it looks like some sort of humble-brag. But it doesn't feel like that. It feels like not knowing my way around in the world, and not knowing who to ask for directions.

And maybe it seems like this has nothing to do with drinking, either. But it does. It's been a bit over 11 months since I quit drinking. The semester was not only my first as a full time student, and my first in grad school, it was my first school semester ever (or since I was 19, anyway, and that seems like forever ago) without drinking to smooth away the rough edges of insecurity and panic. And I did it. I finished my courses and fulfilled all my teaching assistant obligations and sent out my conference proposals for the upcoming year. And I'm doing some interesting work. Interesting to me, and sometimes to a few other people. Honestly, I think that's pretty good. Maybe even great. It's true, I was wildly insecure at times, and many days I came home and wept, sure that everyone in the room had hated me. I think that feeling has to do with the approval thing I'm talking about. Being critical of ideas means taking a stance that's sometimes unpopular, and when I do that, as I do, I am keenly aware of the undercurrents of feeling in the room. And that's uncomfortable. I think I'm managing to stay with what's interesting to me, and that means going against the grain sometimes. So there's lots to be uncomfortable about, and being hyper-aware of the currents of social and academic approval doesn't make it smoother. Not drinking means I don't make it worse for myself, but it also means I don't get to hide from it, ever.

So that's the acceptance I started writing about. I really thought I was a punk rock rebel who didn't care what people thought. I'm appalled to find that I notice every nuance of what people think of me. And I care. Ouch, again. But that's exactly the thing I have to accept. You can't separate yourself from the world and live, protected and authentic and pure. Maybe that's what I thought I was doing, all those evenings drinking too much wine, staying separate from life. It doesn't look like much of a way to live, though. Participating in life means swimming in the wonder and the muck of the world. It's painful, and I don't know my way about in it. But I'm part of it. We all are.

Now it's mid-December. I have a little free time to enjoy here and there, and some Christmas plans (we're cooking a duck!). Then were taking a small trip to see family, which means late mornings sleeping in and reading and days hiking and lovely slow meals and evening fires. I bought some cordials at the farmers' market the other day, so I can mark the festive occasions with toasts that don't need booze to make them special. I'll raise a glass of blueberry-lavender fizz to you, my fellow sober bloggers and readers and lurkers. Thanks as always for your fine company. Wishing you all peace and joy, and happy holidays.




11 comments:

  1. I have to say this stuck a chord with me. Caring what others think, seeking approval is something all to familiar for me and I wish, like you, that I was still that punk rock chick who lived apart from it all. But if I'm honest with myself, I'd see that even when I was drinking, I certainly wanted approval from people. I just didn't admit it.

    You're right, acceptance is the only way through this thing that doesn't seem like an adult issue. (Although I think it's very much an adult issue. Just not a very glamorous one.) Sitting in the muck is how we figure all this stuff out. Hugs to you and happy holidays :)

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    1. Rebecca, thanks so much for your comment. It's good to know I have a kindred soul out there on this one. I agree with you--I don't think this "wanting approval" stuff is actually new, I just didn't see it in myself before. Argh! Big hug to you, too. Happy holidays. xo

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  2. I have been working through some of this acceptance stuff, too, as I slowly try to become more of a part of the world. I think you are absolutely right that self-acceptance is key. We can't change who we are, well we can, but it takes time and a lot of work, so we have to accept that our feelings get hurt and that it can be hard to be out there sometimes. I think we learn and get so much more out of our experiences without drinking so much, but it can be very raw and real. Nice to know I am not alone, as always. I think being sober is totally punk rock, by the way. :)

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    1. Thanks, Jen. I agree with you. And I'm glad to hear that working on acceptance has been a help to you. Trying to "become more a part of the world": that's a great way to say it. I'm so surprised to see this in myself, but I think it's good. And yes, we are so punk rock! xo

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  3. One of the reasons I keep on drinking is because I am worried what people think about me. Will they think I am not fun anymore? I understand that most of it is just in my head. I know that I need to embrace my new self and stop worrying about what others think of me but rather what I think of myself. It is hard. Especially during this holiday season.

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    1. Anna, I want to give you a big hug. I remember that feeling, and it scared me so much. Worrying about what people think, especially whether they would think I was no fun, was a super hard for me when I first quit. But it turns out I am more fun now. I pay attention and I'm sharper and I laugh more and I never get maudlin by the end of the evening. I think it's not quite just in your head--there is an idea in the world that drinking = fun. But it's worth finding ways around it. Best wishes to you. Send me an email (thirsty dot still at gmail dot com) if you need moral support. Wishing you the best over the holidays. xo

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  4. reading your words, ' now that I'm a full time student, I am judged and graded all the time', my initial reaction was a shudder of horror followed almost instantaneously by the thought, 'ah, but no, that would be really cool, because then I could see if I could get really high grades, ALL THE TIME.' so, yes, I get where you're coming from, here!

    although I think my issue is more with perfectionism than looking for approval from others. maybe there's a little bit of that in there too, for you? what you describe - the group academic dynamic - sounds like the refiner's fire to me, burning away the dross to leave only the gold. but not in any way a comfortable process.

    in many ways my career path has taken the opposite direction to what you describe. I went from working in a large team to a more solo role. perhaps my innate disatisfaction with myself would have expressed itself differently in a work situation involving a number of other people, like gene expression in a variable environment?

    glad you're finding new understanding of how you tick. I love your phrase 'swimming i in the wonder and muck of the world'. swimming with you! a bit wrinkly now from long immersion ;) you're nearly at your year now, wow! that's fantastic!

    thank you for the blueberry and lavender inspiration. just found some lavender syrup online and plotting a new range of mocktails. so, cordially (ha!) wishing you a joyful and peaceful Christmas, filled with family and other good things! Prim xxx

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    1. I've been thinking about what you say here, whether I'm talking about approval or perfectionism. I think they're probably related for me. It's some kind of "if I get it right, everything is going to be all right." At least I'm noticing myself doing it, and at times I can even find it amusing, if still tough to face. The "refiner's fire" is a new concept to me, and I had to look it up. I like it. But I worry about letting an institution decide what's gold and what's dross, and that's part of my concern. Anyway, yes, I'm figuring out lots about how I work. Strange creatures, we people.

      I hope you enjoyed the blueberry-lavender concoction. Mine was lovely. It's been a season of peaceful days and tasty beverages. Thanks for your kind wishes. xo

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  5. I am with you on this. I grew up one of three, and I was "the clever one". I spent a lot of my life chasing gold stars, A-grades, all (subconsciously) in the hope that I would finally get a bit of paper that proved my worth. I think that's partly why I had a bit of a self-worth implosion after spending years at home being a housewife and mum. Very little external approval around!! I know it has to come from within, that sense of worth, but it is one thing knowing it, and quite another finding it. It sounds to me like you are doing a good job :) But then, if you are, you won't need me to say so ;)
    Totally empathise with Anna commenting earlier - I am struggling with the "fun" aspect of Christmas, and worry about what others expect of me / think of me.
    A happy holidays to you, Thirsty Still, and much joy for the new year, and your one year soberversary!! xx

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    1. I'm always amazed at how similar so many of us are. I guess when you get good at getting graded, it's easy to start to believe that the grade means something more than it does. Tricky stuff to balance.

      I'm thinking lots about the "fun" thing, too, which doesn't sound like fun at all! But I am figuring some things out, and one is that my fun is very different than many people's. I'm reading Colm Toibin's new novel "Nora Webster" which in part develops that theme, though to say that about it risks reducing an amazing novel to an idea, and it's much, much more than that.

      Thanks for your good wishes. Wishing all the best to you, too. xo

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  6. Staying sober spells commitment, which is the new kind of track you have to add onto where you had been at. Getting through it is bound to make you break some kind of barrier somewhere down the line, but in a very good way. Just stay away from your inhibitions and peer pressure, and keep to that new orientation, which has been giving you a fresher mindset lately. Wishing you all the best!

    Donnie Benson @ Midwest Institute for Addiction

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